Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
