True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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