I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
