Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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