I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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