WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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