Soap is not a condiment
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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