Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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