Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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