You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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