so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
