There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
