I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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