so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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