I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
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I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
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I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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