I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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