So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
