So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
