I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
