fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
