Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
