hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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