Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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