She went from zero to smokin in five shots
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
