I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
