Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
