Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
