my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
