Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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