You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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