she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
