There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Randomize
