I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
