After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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