I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I touched a dick in church today
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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