ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
