My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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