I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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