My hair reeks of homosexuality.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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