On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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