last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
