how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
