You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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