you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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