Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
