I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
