If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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