well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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