My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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