dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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