brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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