Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize
