Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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