Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
