I accidentally burped into my bong.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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