I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
