I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
