I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
