are you so shy because you have an std?
he thought i was a dude.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
