I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
