And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
